My Child Hates School: What Should I Do?
Back to school is supposed to be such a happy time, and it might be that way—at least at first. But after the first few weeks, there are tears and protests about going every day. How do you know what to do?
How Can I Help My Child Succeed in School?
There are some “easy” ways to help your child succeed in school. Actually, they’re simple, but not always easy, and they may seem so common sense that they won’t work. But give them a try, because they can have a big effect on mood. Here are some ideas.
Be sure your child is comfortable in the classroom and in the school environment. Talk to them about how they’re feeling and find out if they have any questions. It’s not uncommon for kids to misunderstand something about expectations or rules, and they can get really upset about school as a result.
Stick to a schedule and be sure they’re getting enough sleep and the right nutrition. If they’re feeling super sleepy or hungry, they may have a hard time attending at school and struggle as a result. Get some ideas about how to build routines that work in our blog post: School Routine: How to Make It Work at Your House.
Know what your child’s teacher expects from your child, including homework, behavior, and habits. You can then help your kid prepare and feel ready for the next day.
My Kindergartener Hates School
If you’ve done all you can at home, and your child is still saying they hate school, believe them, AND there are things you can do to make it better.
Help them make friends. You may be able to assist them socially by setting up some chances for them to get to know a classmate better outside of school. Seeing a friendly face can make going to class a much happier event.
Practice makes perfect. If you’ve found out more about how things work in the classroom, talk through them or play school at home. Kids makes sense of their world through play, and they master difficult tasks by playing them out.
Talk about how they’re feeling. Just say what you see and don’t try to talk them out of it. A simple statement like “you look really upset today,” can go a long way to letting your child know you’re paying attention and that you care about how things are going for them. They might be willing to talk about what’s going on, too.
Stick to it. Keep your routine going and support them after school with lots of attention and minimal extra activities until they’re feeling better about school.
What to Do When Your Child Hates School
If you’ve tried everything, and your child is still struggling and hates school, there may be bigger problems than a simple adjustment. These can set the stage for bigger problems like school refusal, disengaging from academics, or behavior problems, so it’s important to take them seriously and make changes. Here are 5 signs your child may be having a hard time, how you can tell, and some ideas for helping them through it.
1. They’re feeling bad about themselves.
Children’s self-esteem can take a hit when they feel like they’re not getting it right at school. Behavior corrections, prompts to do better work, notes to parents--even if they’re needed--can add up to make kids feel like they’re not good at doing school tasks.
What it looks like:
This shows up verbally: “I am the worst student in my class/school/group.” You might see your little one look depressed or anxious: looking less than enthused about going to school (when they used to like it) or asking lots of questions about what might happen if they get in trouble. Maybe the first thing you hear when you pick them up from school is what color (in the behavior chart their teacher uses) they got today, and their mood revolves completely around that status.
Why it matters:
Low self esteem sucks all the fun out of learning and takes away children’s willingness to keep trying and problem-solving. They may start to fight you about going to school (see #2).
What you can do:
Focus on what’s going right for them. Communicate with their teacher so you’re clear on what’s happening. Kids can sometimes not understand why exactly they’re getting in trouble or not making good grades. Listen to their feelings and reflect them back WITHOUT CORRECTING OR TRYING TO PROBLEM SOLVE. Support their efforts by helping prepare them for things that are tricky at school.
2. They REALLY don’t want to go to school
What it looks like:
Delays getting out of bed, getting dressed, getting in the car—all at levels higher than what you’re used to seeing. You might even see genuine fights and physical resistance about going in, or lots of tears.
Why it matters:
Your little one is showing you that there’s something really wrong. Most kids like school to some degree, and they’re not usually super opposed to going.
What you can do:
Pay attention. Ask some questions (of your child and their teachers). How are they when they’ve been at school a while? How is their mood most of the day? What’s happening when they get mad or sad? Work with them and their teacher to find some solutions vs. punishing what may be seen as bad behavior. Most kids want to succeed, and none of them likes it when they’re in trouble.
3. They are struggling to learn, and have been for a while.
All of us have lessons that are harder than others for us to learn, or we go through phases when we may not do as well as we’d like. But if your child is always lagging behind where you think they should be for their age, take a closer look at what’s happening for them.
What it looks like:
Bad grades, bad conduct, poor progress, and no other apparent reasons for the struggle (like a move, a death or divorce in the family, or other big stressors like pandemics or natural disasters).
Why it matters:
You want your child to learn & thrive! If there is a problem, the earlier you know about it and take steps to help, the better outcome
What you can do:
Rule out outside factors that might be impacting them emotionally. If you feel like that’s not what’s going on, talk to their teachers--is this what they expect from what they’ve seen of your child? What concerns do they have, compared with other kids their age? Consider an evaluation, especially a standardized assessment that compares your child’s abilities to what’s typical, based on a large number of other children their age. This might be available through the school district or from another professional like a neuropsychologist.
4. They don’t have friends.
We each have our own personalities, and some of us are definitely more introverted than others. But if your child just doesn’t seem to be making or keeping friends, there may be something wrong.
What it looks like:
They’re usually alone on the playground or when you pick them up. They’re not talking about kids they like or reporting on things that happened with kids at school. Maybe they’re not getting invitations to outside events.
Why it matters:
Social connection is an important part of our development, and friends make life a lot more fun and interesting. Kids learn important things about themselves and how to navigate different situations.
What to do:
Set them up for success outside of school. Plan a short play date with a child who seems interesting or friendly to your child. Stay within earshot so you can lend a hand if the interactions seem to falter, and have a backup craft or snack if kids need some help filling their time. Be consistent in getting the kids together so they have lots of opportunities to build their relationship. Help your child form friendships in a way that feels workable for them. Sometimes we just need a little practice, and who better to help than you?
5. They’re being bullied (or they’re the bully).
As much as we hate to think about it, sometimes children are unkind to one another. And even harder to consider, sometimes our kids are the ones who are bullying their peers. ALL children in these situations--whether aggressor or victim--need help to make it stop. Again think, support or help to change something that’s not working vs. punishment for poor behavior.
What it looks like:
A child who’s being bullied might not want to talk about it, or they might talk a lot about the child who’s giving them trouble. They might describe their day as good or bad depending on their interactions with a child in their class. Their behavior might change, for example, avoiding a place or situation you know they’ve liked before. They may try to change their appearance suddenly. Sometimes kids who are bullying are worried about their own ability to succeed, to fit in and/or to make friends, so you may hear or see signs of these concerns.
Why it matters:
Bullying is bad for kids who experience it on both sides. It can lead to significant mental health distress and often goes unnoticed by adults.
What to do:
Pay close attention and mention things you notice to your child. Remember, if you ask a question, you might not get an answer, but if you have a hunch that something’s going on, you may be on to something. Go on and say what you’re wondering. Your child may be relieved that you’re checking in. If your child tells you that they’re experiencing bullying, believe them, and if you get the news that your child has bullied a peer, take it seriously. Try to structure your child’s environment so that they’re not exposed to the bully and help them know how to get help if they need it. Role playing solutions and how to react are powerful ways for your child to know what to do if they’re anxious or afraid.
If you’re worried about your child’s ability to succeed at school, and you’ve tried lots of things that don’t seem to be working, play therapy might be a solution. We work with kids who are behind developmentally, who just don’t seem to be clicking with their teacher or peers, and who are struggling for reasons that aren’t clear at first. Play therapy gives them a chance to make sense of things that are happening for them, to express their feelings and to get help with managing them, and to be genuinely accepted no matter how things are going.
We have therapists who are well-versed in helping parents and kids navigate school difficulties, and we’re accepting new clients. If you wonder if we’re the right fit for you, schedule a free phone consultation, and get some ideas about how to make things better for you and your child.