Trouble at School: How to Help YOUR Child

School has started and the glow of those first days might be starting to dim. Reports are coming home and teachers are sharing their concerns. When those concerns involve trouble that your child is getting into at school, stress levels can skyrocket.

Back to School Stress

Back to school means stress goes up. Schedules are tighter, homework starts up, and tempers get short. It’s no coincidence that kids and parents can feel like they’re clashing. Adding to that stress a few weeks into the school year is that sinking feeling the honeymoon is over with this year’s teacher--your child is bringing home more problem behavior reports than good grades. The school is pressuring you to (fill in the blank) “talk to your child,” “ask what’s going on at school,” “put some consequences into place,” and “remind your child to make good choices.” You feel like you have all of the responsibility and none of the control.

Causes of School Stress

Guess what? Kids get stressed, too! They’re adjusting and they know it’s not going great. They’re worried that they’re in trouble with you, and home starts feeling like a battlefield, not a respite that you all need after a long day. And kids communicate differently than adults. When they’re stressed, they’re not likely to sit us down over a glass of milk and talk it out. They fight with their siblings, they test limits, they don’t want to go to bed.

Behavior Problems in School

First, teachers and schools need ALL our support. We need to talk, to listen, to help our kids understand that they are at school to learn and why. Hearing from parents that they are working at home to support school expectations can go a long way toward helping everyone.

Behavior Problems in Children

BUT, the unfortunate truth is that consequences that we implement at home usually don’t help kids do better hours later. It’s also confusing and unhelpful to punish for something that happened hours ago, especially for really young children.

Child Not Listening at School

We can write a new story. We can actually coach our kids to better behavior (versus punishing them after the fact). The number one mistake we make as parents is that we spend more time telling our kids what NOT to do than we do telling what we expect. There’s a fix for that. It’s called structuring. Because here’s what. Kids DO NOT want to get in trouble. And a lot of the time they are not “making bad choices.” They are incapable of making a choice in the moment because they’re confused or overwhelmed by their emotions. (Our online parent class teaches you about structuring and helping them with their emotions, along with two other game-changing skills.)

Structure for Kids

So what does structuring mean? Basically, by telling your kids what you want them to do in ways they understand, and give them some choice about how to comply with what you want them to do. At home it might look like:

1. Be more specific (“make your bed, then pick up your clothes and put them in hamper” vs. “clean your room”)

2. Give them some advance notice (“in five minutes it will be time to take your bath”)

3. Give them some small, appropriate choices (“would you like to brush your teeth in two or four minutes”)

Structure in Classroom 

There are ways to help your child understand classroom structure, and you can use them at home instead of punishing your kids for behavior problems at school.

Kids in a Classroom

And why do kids not do what’s expected of them at school? It’s not because they WANT to get in trouble. They truly may not know what’s expected of them. Before you rush to punish your child, consider these good reasons they might be having behavior problems at school.

1. They may be distracted, overwhelmed, or upset by something that’s happened at school

2. They may be distracted, overwhelmed, or upset by something that’s happened outside of school

3. They may have some difficulties we don’t know about

Despite all the understandable reasons your child can have for not doing the “right” thing at school, it still leaves you dreading the next email, phone call, or your child’s face as they get in the car and tell you they got another red today. 

How to Get Out of Trouble at School

You CAN be on both teams--your child’s and their teacher’s. But how?

1. TRY not to be defensive when you get “negative” reports from school.

2. Be a detective. Ask your child’s teacher the questions you need to understand what’s expected of your child and where they’re NOT getting it right.

3. Find out what your child SHOULD BE DOING at school (and what it would help for parents to do, as well).

4. Let the teacher and administrators know you’re working on it.

5. If your child has difficulties with something, let the teacher know or ask the school for help.

6. Once you understand what’s expected, communicate it to your child, along with your parental values about why it’s important that they comply. Be sure to check out our upcoming blog post, where we’ll give you step by step tips for helping your child practice how to get it right at school.

Kid Gets in Trouble at School

If your child is having behavior problems at school, try not to focus on it, no matter how worried you are. Your little one deserves a break, and you deserve to have a relaxing evening with them. Here are some ideas to make that happen.

End of School Day DOs & DON’Ts

DO

1. Greet your child warmly. You want to be the one your child is glad to see.

2. Follow your regular routine

3. Enjoy being with one of your favorite humans

4. Encourage their efforts. This is versus praising their accomplishments. They are practicing. You’re their coach. Notice their progress. Out loud. Tell them you can see how hard they’re working on this.

5. Let them talk. They may really want to let you in on how it went. Accept this without diving in headfirst and making suggestions about how it could have gone better. JUST LISTEN.

DON’T

1. Ask if they got in trouble. You don’t want them to feel like a walking color chart. Rely on the teacher to inform you of how things went, and if it feels helpful, reach out to inquire.

2. Overly focus on their behavior report, good or bad.

3. Let them see you sweat. This is hard stuff, and you might be dying to know how it went. Try to relax and enjoy being with them.

Kid Getting in Trouble at School

NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Remember that your little person is working really hard at mastering big tasks. Give them the benefit of the doubt and know that your anxiety/anger/irritation won’t help. Take a breath, step away, and when you’re calm, come back and figure out where practice can help. YOU ARE YOUR CHILD’S BEST COACH.

If you have questions and wonder if some outside perspective or support would help, we’re here. Schedule a free phone consultation and find out if we’re a fit for your family. 

P.S. Check out our next blog! We give you a step-by-step guide to helping your child master classroom problems that takes you off the hook for punishing them at home.