Siblings Fighting
Siblings Fighting
There’s nothing like hearing the screech of your kids’ voices launching into another fight, just as you’re finally finding time to tackle that item on your to-do list. It’s an inevitable part of family life with more than one child, but is there anything you can do to make things better?
Sibling Fight
Parents recognize all the elements of a sibling fight–typically a struggle over something that appears invisible to the adult eye, illogical arguments over how things should go, a mutual unwillingness to compromise, and all of it happening at very high volume.
You may feel powerless to make it stop. But there are some things you can do. It can be helpful to remember why siblings fight in the first place.
Sibling Conflict
Dr T. Berry Brazelton, the noted pediatrician and author of the Touchpoints books, bluntly said that children never want a sibling. As wonderful as it can be to have a brother or sister, they are competition for all the most important resources a child has: their parents’ attention, time, and love.
An older child can feel the pressure of expectations to be a “big kid” when all they really want is to be the center of attention and cared for the way a younger sibling is. There is also jealousy about privileges and greater opportunities on the part of younger siblings. Any of these mixed feelings can erupt into a fight at the slightest provocation.
Siblings Fight
Add in natural personality differences and the expected gaps between kids’ interests and patience due to different developmental levels, and the formula is there for power struggles and personality conflicts.
It doesn’t mean that your children don’t love and value each other, or that you’re doing anything wrong if they fight. Try instead to view their relationship as an amazing opportunity for mastery of huge developmental tasks like socializing, figuring out conflicts, and regulating their behavior in the face of huge feelings.
How to Stop Sibling Fighting
So what do you do to help your children master difficult sibling interactions? First, set some clear family expectations with regard to things like what it means to respect one another and to be kind. It’s really hard to force someone to respect another person, so breaking down what that looks like to your family helps. For example, no shouting, or using a teasing or unkind voice might be an expectation your family wants to put in place.
No aggression, whether physical or verbal, should be tolerated. This includes purposeful destruction of others’ belongings. It’s important for parents to model these behaviors as well, to each other and to children. (This does not mean that parents are not in charge!) Be ready to step in immediately when this happens, and physically separate children when necessary. Let them know you’re going to give them a chance to calm down, and that you’re there to help them.
Sibling Arguments
All parents know their children very well and see them for who they are, and it can be challenging to avoid seeing your children in family roles. Some roles siblings take on can be quieter, more responsible child, a demanding, vocal one, and maybe a daredevil who is always testing safety limits. These may be true for your children, and there is more to them than these expected traits.
Try instead to view them in the moment. It may be that your easier child is the one who started the argument when you were out of earshot, and the louder, harder kid is responding in an expected way to their sibling, and not just being loud and disagreeable.
When you spend individual time with each child, it can give them the attention they’re craving and give you an insight into them as an individual.
How to Stop Siblings Fighting
When, not IF, your children get into arguments, there are some strategies that can help lower the stress that everyone’s probably feeling.
First, you’re the leader in the situation, so take a breath and calm yourself before you say anything.
Second, view the situation as an outsider–don’t jump to conclusions or take sides. Remember your decision to view each of your children as an individual outside of the role they typically fill.
Third, gather as much information as you can. Who did what when? If you don’t know, just say you don’t. If they keep arguing to tell their side of the story, let them know that won’t help and you’re just going to go with the information you have.
Fourth, let each hear you empathize with them–”I can tell you’re so angry, and (turning to the other child) It looks like your feelings are hurt.” This can help kids feel understood and lower their volume, because they’re hearing you connect with them.
Fifth, wait until they calm and then invite them to offer their idea for what will help in this situation. Younger kids might need a hand here: “it looks like you’d really like a chance to play with that toy by yourself.”
Finally, offer them a chance to solve it themselves. It may be that once they can express their ideas, the other party will be able to offer an agreeable solution. If no, then you can offer it yourself. Try to be equitable. For example, “okay, you’ll get a chance to play with that in five minutes. I’ll keep track and let you know when it’s time. What are you going to play with while you wait?”
How to Stop Sibling Fights
The good news? This strategy works in all kinds of ways. It teaches kids to recognize and express their own emotions and that of their siblings at the same time. They learn to voice their needs and wants, and they see that you can help them do that. Siblings get to practice offering ideas on behalf of themselves and others. All of these skills serve them well, both at home and in other settings.
The bad news? They really need you to be a part of it until they’re more able to manage the big feelings and resulting dysregulation.The steps are simple, but it’s exhausting work and requires you to be an expert in listening and mediation. Once you’ve done it a few times, though, it will get easier and easier, and your kids will learn what to expect.
Sibling Arguing
Remember, all siblings will find ways to disagree, whether a lot or a little, and whether at high volume or low impact. Responding to them with calm guidance and helping them learn conflict resolution skills will help feelings be less volatile and skills will improve as they get older. Trust us! We’ve seen it over and over.
If you feel like things are out of control between your children more often than not and you’re at a loss for how to make it better, there is help. Family therapy can help every member have their voice heard, and family play therapy offers even really little kids a voice in the process. Maybe you’d just like some tools–parent coaching or one of our parent classes give you lots of skills you can apply in sibling rivalry situations.
If you’re wondering if any of those services might help make things better at your house, book a free phone consultation and find out more!