How to Deal with an Anxious Child
Having an anxious child can be one of the hardest things for a parent to handle. Their anxiety can disrupt even the smallest of daily activities and make sleeping a nightmare. But knowing what to do to help them can be confusing.
Helping your anxious child
The first thing to think about is how to help YOUR anxious child. Of course you know this, but anxiety doesn’t show up the same in every kid. One little one might cry frequently, and another may protest about getting dressed because that leads to going to school and separating from you. What you know about your child is actually one of your biggest strengths.
Some behaviors don’t necessarily LOOK like what we think of as anxiety, and we may miss them as signs that anxiety is what we’re dealing with.
Anxious Child
An anxious child might display any of the following behaviors:
Crying about what seem like small incidents or changes
Being irritable a lot of the time
Not sleeping well (ever) or having trouble sleeping when they didn’t before, having nightmares
Asking lots of questions, especially about where you’ll be or what’s going to happen
Having trouble concentrating, which can be seen as just not paying attention
Wanting to avoid certain situations or events, like school, parties, going to bed, or an extracurricular activity
Biting their nails, having stomach troubles, or other physical problems
Changes in appetite
Lots of these behaviors can show up for other reasons, too, so that’s why it’s important to put some of the pieces together and consider anxiety as a cause, versus viewing some of these possible symptoms as just willful misbehaving.
Parenting an Anxious Child
Our first instinct can be to ask our children why they’re acting the way they are, which is based on all good intentions–if we know what they’re feeling we might be able to help! But a lot of times, children honestly don’t know why something is difficult and causing anxiety, and if they do know, they just might not be able to tell you (this is why play therapy works so well–kids don’t have to talk out their feelings, they can play them out. We answer questions about that in our blog: Questions about Play Therapy in Houston? We Have Answers.
How to Help an Anxious Child
Your first instinct might be to tell your child not to worry. We see things as adults from a different perspective and their concerns may be seem small and manageable to us. This would be SO GREAT if it worked. If only that would work on all of us–think of how calm we could be if we could just stop worrying because someone told us to!
Instead, try just reflecting their feelings. Pay attention to how they’re looking and what they’re saying and get an idea about how they’re feeling. Then tell them in a really short sentence, like this: “You look really worried.” Make your voice and face match their emotions and intensity. Then stop talking. Don’t try to distract or talk them out of the feeling. (This is one of the best skills we teach in our parent classes. Find out more here.)
A lot of worry can come from not knowing how something is going to go. There are lots of ways you can offset these anxieties. Make a calendar and show it to your child. Start a habit of giving them a run down of what will happen that day every morning at breakfast. If they’re worried about going to school, tell them a story about how the day will go with them as the main character (or pick a favorite stuffed animal or toy). We have a whole lesson about this in our online parent class.
Stick to a regular routine, especially if it includes things your child is anxious about but still has to do (like going to school or camp or going to bed). The more predictability, the better, and the more they can count on how it will go the better. Give them small choices that are acceptable to you as part of the routine, like how many hugs they’ll get at goodbye or whether they can have one night light or two by their bed.
Strike a balance between challenging them and helping them avoid overwhelm. Small victories can add up and help even little children know that they can be anxious and still do the things that are hard. But if we push too hard, we might have an increase in tears, tantrums, and sleepless nights, so expect a more gradual progress and not an overnight solution.
Dealing with an Anxious Child
Unfortunately, anxiety can be a lasting concern and can pop up in a variety of areas after it’s seemingly gone away. If your child is more anxious than not, and the symptoms are affecting them in ways that cause them to miss out on a lot of the joy and activity that you’d expect for their age, it may be time to consider some professional help.
Play therapy gives even really little kids a way to play out their feelings and research studies have shown it as an effective way to reduce anxiety symptoms in children. If you’re wondering about play therapy for your anxious child, you can book a free phone consultation with us, and read more about what the play therapy we offer.
We know how important supporting your child is to you, and we’re happy to offer whatever resources we can to support YOU.